Friday is last my last official day of work. The new producer who has taken my position has been in the mix for about four weeks now. He’s pretty well up to speed and my work load has been decreasing steadily. I used to wake up each day to dozens of unread emails with a slate of meetings, deadlines and conference calls sitting on my head. Now, the only messages I find in the morning are missives from Groupon and Flavorpill. I should be thrilled right? This is exactly what I wanted: to be less wired, less stressed, less in demand, more present. The problem is, I am a recovering workaholic who is now facing moments in her day with “nothing” to do.
Of course, with Good Foot Project, I have a million things to do, but still I feel afloat. It’s as if the most basic tools I use to interface with life are shifting. My brain is trained to rifle through a laundry list of things to be addressed, constantly ordering and reordering, ordering and reordering according to what disaster needs to be averted first. I still have a To Do list, but there are no crises on it and my heart isn’t fluttering with soft panic about some detail going awry.
I am also caught between the drive to tackle the enormity of what we are undertaking and the urge to lay on the couch and catch up on 17 years of reading.
As much as I drove myself crazy trying to be perfect at my job, it made me feel good too. I managed a great team and we got a lot of wonderful work done. I knew what my talents were and what they were not. I experienced my personal power everyday – getting things right, earning gratitude and praise, making good decisions, taking responsibility for my wins and my mistakes. All of which added to my self-esteem, diminished my insecurities and allowed me to feel stronger, smarter and more capable than ever before.
Now, I am going into the unknown. I’m starting at square one and unsure if my talents will translate or what my role will be. What does this mean?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited about the life we are creating, but I am terrified too. Are we too old for this? Are we going overboard? Shouldn’t we just stay here and try to live more sustainably? And, ultimately, who will I become?
Except for a few months of wandering the planet here and there, I have spent my entire adult life working like a mad person, trying to achieve and/or make money. Dr. Dre once called me the “busiest woman in show business”. I think it’s because when most 20-somethings in Hollywood were busy trying to hang out, I was busy trying to make sure the shoot I was managing didn’t implode. I have been paying my own bills since I was 18-years old. This independence, this core value, has, in part, defined my womanhood. Now, I am moving into a life that does not revolve around making money. Where I rely on me and my husband and my community for support. It is wonderful. I am on the verge of getting everything I have asked for…and praying for the fortitude to embrace it with grace.
So, as I say goodbye to my former career, I want to offer some thanks. (Gratitude is a great lubricant for difficult times!) Thank you to all of the people I’ve worked for and with over the years – you have taught me so, so many lessons. Thank you to the very special women in my life who’ve knowingly or unwittingly inspired me to take this journey – more about you very soon! And thank you to JC, the best partner ever.
Good Foot Project, here I come!